then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
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