I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
