I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
you had me at cake vodka
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
