...so i touched it.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
