My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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