Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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