How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
