So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
