Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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