I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
