This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
