ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
