I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
