I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
