i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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