My first STD was from a foam party
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
