so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Randomize
