I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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