she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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