He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
