If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
