Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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