What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
