boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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