I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
