I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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