this beer tastes like vomit already
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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