you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I want a musical about memes.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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