i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
