My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Randomize
