Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Randomize
