My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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