He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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