i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
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