Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
