tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
why do cheetos always look like penises
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
