my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
