Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
