my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Randomize
