just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
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The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
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Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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