i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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