just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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