Just fell off a train. Bad.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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