Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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