If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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