I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
