didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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