Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
