My hand turned me down
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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