how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
