fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
