As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
