What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
