I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
