i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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