I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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