Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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