i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
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