Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Randomize
